Funny Quotes

I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.


Not to brag but I haven’t had a mood swing in like, 7 minutes.


I prefer my dog to people. At least their sh*t comes out of the right end.


 

I did not slap you. I high fived your face.


Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.


If I have to parallel park, don’t invite me.


In my next life, I am coming back with money and looks instead of all this sparkling personality bullshit.


You’re my favorite husband. So far.


Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.