Funny Quotes

I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.

Not to brag but I haven’t had a mood swing in like, 7 minutes.

I prefer my dog to people. At least their sh*t comes out of the right end.


I did not slap you. I high fived your face.

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

If I have to parallel park, don’t invite me.

In my next life, I am coming back with money and looks instead of all this sparkling personality bullshit.

You’re my favorite husband. So far.

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.