I taught your girlfriend that thing you like.
Not to brag but I haven’t had a mood swing in like, 7 minutes.
I prefer my dog to people. At least their sh*t comes out of the right end.
I did not slap you. I high fived your face.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If I have to parallel park, don’t invite me.
In my next life, I am coming back with money and looks instead of all this sparkling personality bullshit.
You’re my favorite husband. So far.
Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.