Funny Quotes Collection

CANADA IS BUILDING A WALL. AND GUESS WHO'S PAYING FOR IT.
WTF: WHERE'S THE FOOD?
HOW TO STOP CALEXIT: THE GREAT WALL OF MEXICO.
PROPERTY OF MY WIFE
VODKA. BECAUSE NO GOOD STORY STARTS WITH THAT ONE TIME I ATE SALAD.
I SAW DAD WITH MOM LAST NIGHT. I THINK HE WAS STEALING MY MILK.
OH LORD, HELP ME TO BE PURE. BUT NOT YET.
NEVER TRUST A MAN WHEN HE'S DRUNK, IN LOVE, OR TRYING TO BE PRESIDENT.
DEAR SANTA. YEAH I WAS NAUGHTY THIS YEAR. AND IT WAS WORTH IT YOU FAT JUDGEMENTAL BASTARD!
9 OUT OF 10 PEOPLE LOVE CHOCOLATE. THE 10th PERSON IS LYING.
I DIDN'T ASK TO BE MEXICAN. I JUST GOT LUCKY.
WEATHER FORECAST FOR TONIGHT. DARK.
BETTER DAYS ARE COMING. THEY ARE CALLED SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.
SIX ABS TEE
DUMB: DON'T UNDERESTIMATE MY BRILLIANCE.
BE YOURSELF. EVERYONE ELSE IS ALREADY TAKEN.
WINGS ARE FOR FLYING NOT FRYING. THAT'S WHY I'M A VEGETARIAN.
THE ONLY REASON I'M FAT IS BECAUSE A TINY BODY COULDN'T STORE ALL THIS PERSONALITY
MEN SHOULD BE LIKE KLEENEX. SOFT, STRONG, AND DISPOSABLE.
PEOPLE WHO LOVE TO EAT ARE THE BEST PEOPLE
WHY DO GORILLAS HAVE BIG NOSTRILS? BECAUSE THEY HAVE THIK FINGERS.
WARNING! THE CHEF IS ALWAYS RIGHT.
I SUPPORT RECYCLING. I WORE THIS YESTERDAY.
OVER THE HILL? WHERE? WHEN? I DON'T REMEMBER ANY HILLS
I NEVER FEEL MORE ALONE THAN WHEN I'M TRYING TO PUT SUNSCREEN ON MY BACK
SINGLE ON VALENTINES' DAY. MORE MONEY FOR CAR PARTS.
SORRY LADIES. THIS GUY'S GETTING MARRIED.
GOOD HOMBRE
BAD HOMBRETTE
I'M NOT A DOCTOR. BUT I'LL TAKE A LOOK.
A MIKE WILL SAVE THE WORLD
BROKE